dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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