I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
