M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
