Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Terrible idea I love it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
