i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
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Princesses don't give blow jobs
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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