That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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