I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
