the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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