At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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