Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
