I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm at about main and main street
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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