the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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