I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
