Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
