great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize