She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
