Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
