I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
