I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
