I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
