just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
