I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
