hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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