with your own penis?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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