So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
