I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
