please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
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i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
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We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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