1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
