i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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