i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
