My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
