also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
