I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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