I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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