I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
