Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
