Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
