There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
