Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
