I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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