a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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