Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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