I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
