On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
