is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
