The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
