This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
