if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
