I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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