During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
