his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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