If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
