you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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