Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
