Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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