so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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