Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
