my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
