Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
