so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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